Divorce is an experience that can upend every part of a person’s life. It can make them question their identity and self-worth. In a more practical sense, they have to learn to manage their home and family alone.
For parents, that can be overwhelming. That’s why some newly separated and divorced people engage in something mental health professionals call “parentification” of their kids. This typically involves expecting older kids (usually teens and preteens, but sometimes younger ones) to do more than they should be expected to.
This doesn’t mean, of course, that you shouldn’t expect your older child to occasionally babysit for a younger sibling or to do a few extra chores. However, sometimes parents take this too far and end up relying on them as they would a co-parent or other adult.
This can prevent a child from taking part in extracurricular activities and even from devoting enough time to schoolwork. They may not have time to spend with their friends or just be a kid.
Parentification can also include turning to a child for emotional support. Parents should never denigrate their child’s other parent to them. Neither should a parent unload their problems on their child.
Recognizing parentification
Most people don’t intend to “parentify” their children. They may not realize they’re doing it. That’s especially true if a child doesn’t complain or even volunteers to take on a lot more responsibility. However, it won’t take long for the effects to start taking their toll emotionally and in other ways. They may end up having no life beyond school and home.
Recognizing that you’re parentifying your child is the first step. Often, it’s easier to see if your co-parent is the one doing it. Whichever parent is engaging in this potentially damaging behavior likely needs to reach out to others for help. This could involve seeing a therapist, reaching out to family or other caregivers to help with younger children and possibly bringing in a part-time housekeeper.
It may be necessary to seek a modification of one or more of your divorce agreements. A change in custody arrangements or child or spousal support could help if you are overburdened and therefore overburdening your child. A good first step is to seek legal guidance to determine your options.
